Life Chaos and Sad Avoidance

Posted on April 15, 2007 at 9:28 PM - Post Comment

I get a present everyday and don't appreciate it.

I get a new day, each morning.  A body in full working condition, lungs that work, all four limbs are useful, all 5 senses, and no illness.  A gift of a new day.  And as you can tell, since I started this accountability blog in January and its now 3 months later, mid April, I let my life chaos lap at each day like waves upon the sand, and each day the undertow of sad avoidance is astoundingly strong. 

I won't make excuses.  That's what's probably got me into this mess.

I will make an effort now that "things have settled down."  I am glad to announce that I am in a nurturing, stable home environment now, have reliable transportation, great new employment and second streams of income too.  And even have a modern 2007 laptop.  (The "old" apple clamshell 2000 had become sadly obsolete).  That means more accessibility.  And more accountability.

Just as the friend of the Amazing Shrinking Couple had recently passed over more fat clothes from purging her closets, I also see other AHA! moments of "you know better, so do better" reflections.  Sat between two friends (a mom and her son) at a theater show last Thursday and all three of us are "big people."  We're all "morbidly obese" on the scales. 

I hate, loathe, and detest that phraseology.  Blech. 

And as I sat between them, I felt like the smallest.  That was no comfort to me.  The whole family is bigger than average.  All well educated, well adjusted people.  But just as I know my weight issues are a mask for the "what's eating you" psychology, I feel sad when I see other Big people.  We all look so sad.  May have the best personalities and life credentials to knock your socks off, but we all look so sad.  And bad. I saw it in them, what I could not see in me. They look un-healthy.  They look sad.  They look burdened by the excess weight and flab.  They uncomfortable.  And they are. I am too.  (That's an uncomfortable moment). 

Time to buck up and take control.  Boy am I looking forward to leaving this Wall I've created.  I have so much I want to do this summer!  Time to step up.